Edward's Journal During the Days of Twilight
by Mrs. Cope
Summary: Trying to understand the pull of love and desire he finds in Bella, Edward writes in his journal. These entries are those he had time to write as he tried to make sense of these new feelings, emotions and needs.
1. Chapter 1: January, Thursday

_A/N: Edward's Journal's are not always a match to the saga. They take into account when he was alone, when the need to purge himself would overtake him, and when he would have the time to write. _

**January, Thursday**

Tonight, I am unsettled. I can see no apparent cause, no discernable event that has changed; days pass, night passes, in endless progression. What has my mind so shaken?

A new phrase came to me tonight as I watched Jasper and Alice huddle close and share a moment. I haven't concluded that this will become a melody; the phrase is melancholy and sure to invoke Esme's unnecessary concern for my well being. She is so dear.

The woman who gave birth to me haunts the edges of my memory, but cannot enter my reverie. Esme is mother now; how fortunate am I to have two women who have loved me as their son. I can never doubt a mother's love with such a steadfast mother as I have. I must compose something new for her, something that lifts her and does not reveal my inner tumult…

Perhaps I should run tonight. The rush of the wind always soothes me. Though I don't tire, the exertion is so welcome. For the briefest of moments, I am master of the earth and yet vulnerable to its elements. It's quite pleasant.

How must it feel to lie in the soil, as you life drains away from you?

It's hard to recognize that humanity within that once possessed me, that desire to fight. I was led by some emotion to join in our country's arms against the Germans. And my mother's heart, the promise of my life could not hold me against that need to defend our lives against our aggressors. Had the influenza not overtaken me, I would have marched off to war. I've all but forgotten the motivation to fight: was it honor? Courage? The need to prove myself a man?

Certainly, fighting now is possible, simple, guaranteed successful. Those human concerns have fallen away from me, an old husk of my now marble core. I do not doubt my strength now. How must it feel to be afraid?

The night birds sing in the trees. This little melody grows, impatient and persistent. Where are you taking me?


	2. Chapter 2: Wednesday

**Wednesday**

Who would know, from this most ordinary of daybreaks, that my existence would be so threatened?

I have no power over this. The strength I knew just days ago lies in shreds around my feet. My weakness mocks my form; who can conceive of a weak vampire? Even the unskilled of my kind have strength and cunning, by the very nature of our physiology. My confidence is sabotaged by the thirst and need this girl has awakened within me.

I have no power over this! Just to remember, the craving begins and the need takes hold. I long for that blood, to satiate my thirst… The burning need creates unending visions of her death within me. I have never been more monster than man in my existence.

I've heard Emmett remembering the lust, and felt the pull in Peter's story. I'd thought these unimaginable, byproducts of guilt and hyperbole, yet tonight I know! The memory of her scent is as overwhelming as the rapture, and more devastating! I am that flame, I am that sinister predator, propelled by a scent so ambrosial, so captivating… No.

Leaving Forks was my only control. Powerless, I flee. Can I return if she remains? Can I survive if she does not? I have no power over this!


	3. Chapter 3: Friday

**Friday**

Emmett enjoys life; how I envy that.

Here, the enormity of the world bellows its size, reducing me to an insignificant strain. The sheer face of the rock, in an endless intermixture of gray holds a versant beauty that is lost in survey, yet emerges in analysis. How like Bella…

In the here and now. Here. Now – not in _Forks_.

How many times have I run past these stones, slipped through this timber. I've always known it was there; I've seen it innumerably. Why has today thrown each crag into high relief? What secret holds these trees? Has the ground always been awash with this downy flowering, that smells all the sweeter underfoot?

In the sunset, the western cedars shock me with familiarity, but it's not tree itself that seems so familiar. Dark reddish brown with deep rivulets; this is known to me. The blush of the rhododendron, so soft and pink, as if the flower itself were blushing…

Yes, this is known to me. Ah, that it were simply trees and flowers, and not nature made flesh…

I write in hope that my weaknesses, put into entry here, will become as inconsequential and unsubstantial as the paper so that I may conquer them. Am I a coward to become slave to my weaknesses? Is this that burns me like venom, is it weakness? A feeling this large, this all consuming – how can it be weakness?

Tonight, I hunt. Tomorrow, ponder.


	4. Chapter 4: Tuesday

**Tuesday**

I look in the mirror, and the eyes of a monster stare back at me.

I've watched her sleep, heard her dream and witnessed her innate goodness. This one-sided dive into her psyche is getting the best of me. I want to know why she thinks she is safe with me; I must know how can she see me for more than I am. And still, she's silent.

Oh how I curse the empty air! The deafening silence of her mind is a glaring claxon pointing to my hideousness; as if in her silence, she denounces me for the grotesquerie I am.

But her lips move, and she speaks of love… I want to open my mouth and swallow her words, so that from within me, the words will purify the remnants of my soul and restore my humanity. Can love heal so deep a wound? Is it truly love she feels for me? Can she love me? Is it love?

My shallow blast of humanity left me no memory of this longing, no recall of bliss. Can a soulless thing love? Can a monster find beauty, or deserve its fruits? Bella, Bella love, hold me and heal me with your love. Restore my silent heart to a condition worthy of your faith in me.

Without your love, I am truly damned. Lonely and lost, I would stumble in the dark, cold and alone for all eternity. Yet, by accepting your love, I damn you.

Can I live through eternity as the monster who damned you to life everlasting?

Oh Bella, save me…


	5. Chapter 5: Wednesday

**Wednesday**

Running wild tonight freed my mind from the silence screaming in my head. To feel the rush of the wind as I slice through the night! Ah! I am light, dark, air…

When the strands of her hair lift so lightly in the breeze, I feel such a yearning to hold her. Like tiny tendrils of love made flesh, the wisps hover over her blushing cheeks, tormenting me to tame them. Tender, tender, always with great care; she is a breath of gossamer and always with caution I must respond.

I'm lost in a reverie about her quiet beauty wrapped in a package tied with careless string. The fates have woven the loom of her life without thought; surely if they considered her, they would have woven a shield about her as well. How can they deliver her to me, so incautiously?

I dream of the day when I will be a man with this woman, knowing that day will never come. How will I wait an eternity? How can I keep her, how can I have her? There is no dawn to answer, only endless night.

I will run again through the night; perhaps to fly to her once again, as it may be the last…


	6. Chapter 6: Thursday

**Thursday**

Has love ever freed one from despair? I am befuddled, bemused, bewildered, blind, ecstatic, fearful, free and caged! She _knows_.

I know the danger this girl presents, danger that infuses my thoughts and threatens our existence here. But for the moment, my still heart sings with release and the hope – yes! After all this time – the hope of acceptance, of love, of attachment and harmony.

Surely the world has never known a truer man than Carlisle Cullen. I feel so much more than admiration and love for him; it's a sort of awe. As I lay dying, he found within me a spark worth kindling, and so joined me here and sapped away my soul. But I can find no remorse with which to tag him, no stone to throw. Without his friendship, care, love, I would be adrift and morally corrupt. Without his desperate act of loneliness, this journal would be left unwritten. But for his… humanity, I would not know Bella.

Bella, Bella, her very name is music unto its own. Softly she chimes, calling me to worship. So sweet the song of love that brushes my being, the stone of my flesh bends to its music. Tonight I will run to her, to watch her sleep, to dream beside –


	7. Chapter 7: Friday

**Friday**

I wouldn't have believed myself capable of such giddiness. In this personal millennium of journals filled with countless wishes, hopes, set backs and successes, I've not experienced such a draw to wild abandon as I feel from Bella. Bella, Bella, Bella. Isabella.

I have no lack of words, no absence of expression for the trivial passing of time and experience. But to gaze upon the petals of her cheek, I lose my tongue. I can recount the minutia of endless history without a stutter or momentary dyslogia, but to savor and relive the depth of her eyes, the fragrance of her vitality, the inebriating, overwhelming pleasure of her being… ! Nothing! There is no way to reduce her to essence; she abounds!

And yet, I know beyond certainty, that I am doomed, that she is doomed, that our life together cannot, should not, must not exist. I injure myself, dreaming of desire and residing in hell. How cruel is fate to put such beauty so nearly within reach?


	8. Chapter 8: Saturday

**Saturday**

Ah her breath is sweet to me. Tenderness with an unyielding strength; how can this be?

My meadow has forever been changed. Though I've seen it so very many times, sat in wonder as I listened to the sighing of the trees, felt the sun upon my face without fear of discovery… Only today it was transformed from my haven to my heaven.

My humanity was never as close within my grasp as when her gaze held me there. My frozen heart melted in the warmth of her eyes. Her touch… oh, her touch… liquid electricity without shock. My demons still torment me.

For a brief moment, the lure of her blood ensnared me. I've come to understand that my thirst for her is bound with my desire for her. It is a puzzle, an enigma, tightly wound and easily broken. I struggle with myself to release the waiting mystery without reducing the porcelain surrounding. Will I be able to resist her? Chaste of her blood, chaste of her skin, deserving of her love.


	9. Chapter 9: Hospital Bedside

**Hospital Bedside**

I write this as my love lies damaged.

What is the worth of a love that destroys as it grows? A cancer, fed by lust and greed. The catastrophe that is my longing has blossomed into a bloody bloom, cutting the one I love more deeply than any thorn could score.

See how peaceful she lies, even now, broken, beaten and bruised. This momentary breath of unconscious calm only torments me; I am agony made flesh.

I can never, will never, must never forget the fragility of my love. As she sleeps and escapes me, I must ponder the razor balance of right and wrong. I cannot allow my desire to become the fulcrum between life and love, else it will always tip to the most dangerous, destructive path.

She wakes.

Yes, Bella, love, I will stay. No man has ever known a pain so sweet, a torture so rapturous as I have for you. What is thirst, what is life if you are not in it? How can I leave? Where would I go? I exist only for those moments when a smile touches those tender lips.

Yes, Bella, love, I will stay. Stay for as long as I can love you without your destruction. remain by your side without devouring all your days. But I will never forget, I can never forgive myself.


End file.
